In Pursuit of Magic

Contrary to what people might think, putting the word “just” in front of something does not, in fact, make it easier.

“Why don’t you just get a surrogate?” is a question I’ve fielded dozens of times throughout my unexpected and unexplained infertility journey.

So I thought I’d share a glimpse into what answering that question is like for me (and what I imagine it’s like for some other women in my shoes). The short answer: it’s complex. Read on for the longer answer…

Growing up, I never dreamed of being a mom. Never played “house” or pretended to be the caretaker of my friends. Never had much interest in dolls unless dressing up my Barbies in the latest fashion counts. Never picked out my future kids’ names unless I was playing MASH. 

As I got older and thought about my future more seriously, it always included kids. It seemed to be a faraway future, though. Never felt urgent. Never experienced “baby fever.” Never really cared to hold my friends’ babies. Never thought much about it.

What I did think about was what it would be like to be pregnant. The science of it all fascinated me. The fact that a woman could grow life inside her, carry it for nine months, and birth it from her body was more alluring to me than the baby at the end of that journey. The slow progression of her belly, the little kicks from within it, and the powerful experience of birth — it was actual magic, and you couldn’t convince me otherwise. 

The carrier had the most important job: to bring a new life into the world. Anyone could care for that child, but only one person could carry it.

Or so I thought.

Fast forward a decade or so to a point I could have never imagined, where I am now nearly four years into a battle with infertility and researching the surrogacy process. The process that will take that one important job from me and give it to someone else. The process that will, people tell me, still make me a mother. But the process that will, to me, take part of the magic away.

As I grapple with the reality that surrogacy may be our only option to bring a biological child home, I’m both incredibly grateful that another woman would do this and incredibly heartbroken that another woman may need to.

Throughout this journey, my greatest learning has been the ability to hold two opposing truths at once. 

Grateful, yet heartbroken.

Hopeful, yet terrified.

Patient, yet longing.

Willing and ready, yet begrudgingly accepting and completely unprepared for what comes next.