A Confession and a Calculator

To honor this week — National Infertility Awareness Week — and in an attempt to pay it forward to others experiencing infertility, I’m sharing some learnings that helped me along my journey. I hope they make yours a little easier.

The Lesson Learned

While there is a whole lot we don’t yet know about infertility (and reproductive health and women’s health in general), we do know one thing: the risk of miscarriage decreases over the first few weeks of pregnancy. This simple fact can be incredibly important for anyone experiencing pregnancy after loss. One of the many ways that trauma brain shows up is that it has a really hard time focusing on the positives — even when they are the most likely scenario. So when you can’t trust yourself, trust the data. 

The Journey

This photo was taken on “graduation day” — the day I moved on from my fertility clinic and began seeing my regular OB. Most days I still can’t believe that I’ll never see my fertility doctor again (he’s retiring soon). Most days I still can’t believe we are here. Most days I still wake up shocked to see my own belly. Logically, it’s not hard to believe. But pregnancy after loss is not always a logical experience. 

If you know me, you know that I’m a pretty methodical person. I’m in a creative field, but I’m the implementor. I love to take other people’s visions and make them a reality.  That means I work in spreadsheets and trackers and organizational tools. At work and in in life, I trust in numbers.

I have a confession to make…that I promise is not as dark as it sounds.

My most-tracked number for the first four months of this pregnancy was the probability of my baby dying. I watched that number decrease day after day, and it brought me so much peace. It came from the strangest calculator that I am forever grateful exists: the Miscarriage Odds Reassurer. I wish I could hug its creator. 

This calculator does exactly what it says: it reassures you that your trauma brain is probably wrong and the numbers are probably right and very much on your side — and that every day, they grow even more in your favor. You can even click it a second time to be extra reassured (which I obviously did every time).

It is the #1 tool I recommend to other moms-to-be who are experiencing pregnancy after loss (and the baggage that comes with it). I’ve received so many THANK YOUs in all caps whenever I’ve shared this calculator with others on this journey, so it only felt right to share it here. Please pass it on. And may you find some peace in the numbers.