On Mourning Things You Never Even Liked

The Lesson Learned

As it turns out, you are not in control of everything in your life. Perhaps the biggest lesson I’ve learned on this journey is this: do what you can do, but you can’t do everything.

You can come up with a plan and execute on that plan, and then you have to let go of the rest. Ultimately, I had to come to grips with the fact that life can’t be lived in what-ifs.

For example: I never liked running. Or really any physical fitness that caused heavy breathing, sweating, or general discomfort. I didn’t step foot in a gym until my late 20s, and didn’t pick up weights until age 30. Yet somehow, not being able to do the things I dislike is even worse than doing them.

The Journey

Today I mourned my old life for the first time. My life before infertility. My life of innocence, freedom, and naïveté. 

I drove past the blue garage doors of my old gym and cried. I thought of how different life was when I used to work out four times a week without giving any thought to whether my body could handle it.  When I was allowed to work out anytime I wanted to, at any pace or intensity I felt like doing. When I could do any exercise without fear of raising my heart rate too high, of getting too hot for too long, of twisting my torso in the wrong way — of losing another baby.

I know deep down, logically, that I did nothing to cause my miscarriages. But you try running a 5k and losing a baby the next day and then see how you feel about running while pregnant — or while even trying to get pregnant — after that.

I miss running. I miss the gym. I miss pushing my body, instead of protecting it. I miss the physical pain that comes from fitness, rather than sickness. 

And I know I’ll get back there. Someone shared a few wise words with me yesterday: this is a season of life. It is not forever. Some women can’t wait to give birth so they can have a margarita, or sushi, or Botox again. I’m most looking forward to getting back the freedom to run. 

So if you find yourself mourning something you never even liked, I’m here to tell you that’s totally normal. Just because you don’t want to do something doesn’t mean you want somebody else telling you not to do it. Some may call this stubbornness. I like to call it craving independence. :)