1 in 5 Women Keep Secrets

If 1 in 5 women experience infertility, where are they all hiding?

This was one of my first thoughts after first learning about my “unexplained” and completely unexpected infertility diagnosis. In my 35 years of life, I had met exactly two people who had undergone fertility treatments (one was a friend from my teaching days and the other was a same-sex couple).

Well, I finally found them earlier this week. Turns out they’ve been hiding right in front of me — in front of all of us.

In the five days since I shared my first post here, ten women in my personal life have connected with me about their own infertility journeys. Ten women — some of whom I have known since I was born, many of whom I hadn’t spoken to in well over a decade — reached out and felt a little less alone. Ten women finally got to release some of the secrets they have been holding inside for months, or in some cases years.

It’s painfully true how much the losses we share connect us. And I’m grateful to these ten women for having the courage to make that connection.

I’m still working on my theories about why we hide infertility. It’s not quite shameful, but perhaps misunderstood. It’s not political, but certainly politicized. It’s physically demanding, but not physically evident.

In a world where oversharing is the norm, why is this topic not yet normalized?

I found this photo above when searching my drive for an image for this post. I searched the word “rainbow” to find a pretty landscape I’d captured. Instead, I found this art project that Alex, his parents, and I participated in years ago — prior to infertility being part of our lives. We were asked to create pieces based on a personal story and then could share that story with the other participants. The idea being: “art can become a lens for personal storytelling.”

I’d forgotten what we each wrote, but when I stumbled upon this photo it was too perfect not to share. My piece, “Two Ears, One Mouth” (a phrase that’s meant to remind us to listen more than we speak) sits next to my mother-in-law’s piece, “Life Is A Rainbow.” And here I am today, connecting, listening, and trying to create life through a rainbow baby.

I’d love to know: If you’ve experienced infertility or miscarriage, did you choose to keep it a secret? If so, why?

You’re welcome to leave a comment or send me a private note at hello@lanelowe.com.